Don't Mess with the Village Elders
by E-ZBake
Summary: This is my first ever fanfiction. Please read and review. Something bizarre happens when the Merry Men get back from a top secret mission. Steph/Lester pairing.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer****: **All characters belong to Janet Evanovich, I am merely borrowing them and their world to do the bidding of my mind. I am making no profit from these chapters._

_**Don't Mess With the Village Elders**_

_**Chapter One**_

"Isn't she just the cutest little girl you've ever seen?" Lester asked as he tickled our daughter's toes and blew raspberries on her belly encouraging the gurgle of giggles each time. "She looks just like me!" Eleven month old Arethusa, or Ari as we'd nicknamed her, promptly began crying which caused a flurry of action from her father. Within a moment she was picked up off the blanket and clasped to Lester's chest as he made shh-ing sounds and rubbed her back and rocked side to side, trying to calm her.

I kissed the top of her head as I passed, carrying the basket of washing I'd just taken off the line. "I know honey," I sympathised. "Daddy doesn't realise how much of an insult that is, especially to a beautiful little girl like you who looks just like her Mama. Yes she does!" Ari let out a small giggle and put her hands out for me. Of course I couldn't' deny my little girl, so I dropped the basket and stole her from Lester's grasp. He made an indignant sound but I ignored him, heading back toward the house, calling over my shoulder, "You can bring the basket in."

"If it's such an insult to look like me," Les called as he caught up to us in the kitchen, "Why did you marry me?"

"Simple," I replied. "I love you. I just wouldn't want to look like you."

He scowled half heartedly at me and dropped the basket on the kitchen table. "I'll have you know that back in college no less than three geeks had plastic surgery to look like me."

I couldn't help the snort of laughter that escaped me as I set Ari up at on her sit and scoot. As soon as my hands were kid free though, it turned into a guffaw that left me weak kneed and out of breath. Before I could utter a word, Lester had scooped me up, deposited me on the bench and stepped between my legs. My left over giggles died out immediately the moment he locked his lips onto mine. We were in the middle of a rip roaring game of tonsil hockey when Les suddenly groaned painfully and dislodged.

"What's wrong?" I asked, rather hoarsely, I'm ashamed to admit.

He was holding his lower leg and hopping about. Ari, I noticed was giggling again as she scooted away backwards. To the trained eye, it appeared that Ari had rammed her scooter into her Daddy's leg pretty hard. I stifled a few giggles of my own and looked out the window. The clouds were really rolling in now. It looked like it would start pouring any minute and we'd left Ari's blanket on the lawn.

"Suck it up and put some ice on it or something," I told him as I hopped off the counter. "I'm just gonna go grab Ari's blanket. I won't be a minute. Watch that she doesn't knock the side table over. I'll scream if I have to re-organise the coupon drawer again."

Lester straightened a levelled a look at me that was half love half exasperation. "You don't need a coupon draw, Steph. I don't mind paying full price for things you need."

"What about things I don't need but want?" I countered.

"I've got no problem with that. How many times do I have to tell you?"

I thought about this, and decided not to answer. Instead I said, "I still need the coupon draw. The house wouldn't be complete without it," and with that I skittered out the door into the little sprinkling rain that had just started. I was just thinking how lucky I was to have Lester as I skipped through the door once more. Lester was hanging up the wall phone, a serious look on his face. He glanced over at me and his lips went into a hard line. Not good news then. "Don't tell me," I pleaded. "You've been summoned?" He nodded solemnly, and even though I knew he had no control over the matter, I yelled at him. "I thought you said the last time was your last time! You said that your contract was almost up so it was unlikely they'd call on you again!"

"I know that's what I said, Baby. And at the time I honestly thought it was the case. I've only got a couple of weeks left of my contract and most missions are longer than that. I figured they'd start breaking in a newbie or something."

"I can't believe you're leaving us again!" I cried, tears streaking down my cheeks. I hated that he had to go, but what upset me was that I was blaming him irrationally for the fact. There was nothing he could do about it. There was nothing I could do about it.

"Steph, if I had a choice I would stay here with you and Ari, but you know that isn't the case. I have to go. A car will be hear in an hour to pick me up and take me to the base. I'll call Rangeman from the car and make sure someone is aware of the situation so they can make a man available for you-" I glared at him. "If you need it of course," he added hastily. "Because I know my woman knows how to take care of herself, but if you need help, there's a whole company of guys over on Haywood that would love to help. You know that right?"

I nodded and wiped a couple of stray tears from my cheeks. Closing the distance between us, I was just about to give him a hug when there was a loud crash from behind me. I cringed. I'd know that crash anywhere. It was the side table being knocked over by my only daughter who wasn't going to see her first birthday if she continued to wreck the furniture. I clenched my hands into fists and laid them on Les's shoulder, gritting my teeth to keep from yelling in frustration.

Now it was Les's turn to cringe. "I'm sorry, Sugarlumps. You distracted me." I rolled my eyes at him and he grinned that grin that made me fall in love with him. "I'd organise it myself, but I really have to get upstairs and pack. Plus you'd only re-do it after I was gone, because I apparently always do it wrong."

"You do!" I exclaimed, but he was already halfway up the hall. Taking a slow, deep, cleansing breath, I turned to the overturned table and my daughter, looking up at me with innocent green eyes. "You're going to be the death of me," I said in the cutesy voice that always made her smile.

"Dada," she replied, and commenced scooting after her father.

"That's right," I said under my breath, listening to her wheels on the hard wood floor. "Go bug your father while you can."

_One month later: Ari's First Birthday..._

Everything was absolutely beautiful, if I do say so myself. There were three tables full of food that I had cooked myself (it's amazing what you can buy that's ready to shove in the oven) balloons and streamers hung from everything, pink unicorns looked back from all sorts of things, the cups, the serviettes, the plates, the table cloths, even the cake that my mother had made especially. There was a table with kiddy activities near the house. A pen with baby and toddler toys for the younger ones (including Ari). Lester's brother, Darius, had organised equipment for sack races, egg and spoon races, three legged races, wheelbarrow races and a few other kinds of races that I'd never even heard of.

As everyone arrived, I got Ari to give them a party hat. Darius got three because he came in three times carrying all the stuff he needed for the races; he wore them with pride, claiming it was the crown of the favourite uncle. I didn't disillusion him of the fact, it was too funny to see the big burly barkeep, with tattoos of skulls on his biceps wearing three pink unicorn hats.

All in all, it was a really good day and everyone enjoyed it. It would have been perfect, but there was one very important thing missing. Lester. He'd bought a gift in advance and wrapped it up pretty before I could see what it was, but I didn't feel it was right to give it to Ari in his place, seeing as he'd obviously gone to a lot of trouble to pick it out. I thought it would be better to wait until he got home and let him give it to her instead.

Lester wasn't the only one missing though. Tank, Bobby and Ranger had all been called away on the same mission, and while I was okay with Ranger-the-Sourpuss not being there, Tank and Bobby both adored Ari and were sorely missed.

_Two and a half months after that…_

Lester had been home for seven months now and was officially done with his government contract. I'd made sure of that. I'd also made sure that there wasn't a scratch on his body when he returned, an inspection that took many long, sultry hours.

Ari had had a much less enthusiastic welcome for her father. Sulkily refusing to hug him or even smile for him for a good three days. Apparently, Ari didn't like Daddy going away and leaving her. On the third day, though, it was like I didn't even exist. Lester, on a week's leave to rest and recuperate from the mission, went to wake her up and she clung to him like glue. They spent all day playing on the living room floor – which essentially translates to Ari handing Lester a toy, Lester doing something silly with it, Ari laughing and demanding he do it again, and again, and again, until she got sick of it and handed him another toy, so needless to say, the living room had been a shambles by lunch time.

Tank had come home with a broken arm and a few abrasions that were easily treated and fixed. When asked how he managed to break his arm he claimed he wasn't allowed to divulge that information, but I knew it was because he was too embarrassed about the truth to say (Lester told me the entire ordeal – minus important details that were _actually_ classified – through a fit of laughter. I'd regale you with the story now, but I'd probably end up unable to speak because of my own uncontrollable giggles. Bobby escaped the governments firm hold with only a couple of scratches littering his upper body and face. None of them so deep as to form hideous scars when they healed. Which was good. I didn't want to see his face all ugly-a-fied.

The big mystery of their home coming, was that Ranger wasn't with them. Presumably, he was still somewhere in the middle of nowhere fighting nothing and everything in an effort to somehow prove an Einstein quote. He was probably doing something illegal as well, like wearing stripes with plaid. I'd asked Lester and the guys about it a couple of times but they'd gotten really quiet and exchanged some weird glances, so I left it.

_Eight months later still_

Recently, Lester had been disappearing a lot. I tried asking him where he goes, but he just shrugged it off and changed the subject. I tried following him, but he lost me within minutes. At least I know he's good at his job. I even when so far as to ask Tank and Bobby, since they're his best friends, but they acted just as strangely about it as he had. I was beginning to think he was seeing someone else behind my back. Now, normally, I'm not the jealous type, but the thought of his lips on someone other than me had me nearly homicidal. On our wedding day he'd vowed to be faithful, and I'd always told him that if there was something different he wanted to try in the bedroom he need only ask (keeping in mind that I had limits – butts stuff, threesomes, and child molestation) so the thought of him going elsewhere to fulfil his needs hurt. A lot.

I had arrived on the comm. floor for a lunch date that we'd arranged the day before, only to find out that Lester had once again gone AWOL.

"He said he'd be back as soon as he could," a very nervous looking Cal informed me when I stopped at Lester's cubicle doorway. "He said not to worry and that he was very sorry if he didn't make it back in time for your date." He ended the recitation off with an audible gulp.

I think he thought I was going to 'shoot the messenger' as the saying goes, so he was visibly relieved when I simply nodded and asked where Tank and/or Bobby were.

"They left with Lester, ma'am," he whimpered.

"Well where did they all go?" I asked, exasperatedly. "Was it some kind of security breech emergency?"

"No ma'am," he whispered, easy his chair away a little. "They didn't say where they were going. Lester got a phone call and they left leaving me with the message. Please don't hurt me."

I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing when he actually lifted his forearms to block his face. "So it wasn't company business?" I asked, successfully keeping my face straight for once in my life.

"No ma'am," he said again.

"Stop calling me ma'am. And see if you can track the car they're in."

"Yes ma'am."

I rolled my eyes and plopped down into an empty seat beside him with Ari, who was asleep on my shoulder. Cal tapped madly away at the computer for a few minutes then went very still. He shot a glance over at me and started tapping again. Another couple of minutes passed before he stilled again and darted his eyes to me. On the third time, I sighed. "What is it?"

"They're not in a company car, and I can't track the GPS in their cell phones."

I was about to go off my nut at him with my own cell phone rang, startling me and waking Ari. I juggled the crying toddler and the phone for a moment before managing to secure the phone to my ear and the child in my lap. "Hello?" I greeted distractedly, before immediately making shh-ing sounds to Ari. "Sorry, who is this?" I asked after a moment.

"Honey, it's me," came Lester's stressed voice on the other end of the line.

"Lester where in Sam Hill are you? We were supposed to meet for lunch half an hour ago." I admonished. As a result of my stern tone, Ari began to wail louder. I repositioned her on my other shoulder and began bouncing her, making soothing sounds while listening to what Lester was saying.

"Why's Ari crying?" he asked, sounding concerned rather than stressed for a moment. "Is she hurt? What happened?" It was good to know that his little girl still came before whatever the hell else was happening in his life.

"She's fine, Les," I sighed, "The phone woke her up, that's all. Why are you calling? Where are you?"

Now it was his turn to sigh. "We need your help, Baby."

All at once I was worried as hell. I handed the still crying Ari to Cal, who stared at me in wide eyed, open mouthed shock for a moment before gaining a firm grasp on her and making cooing sounds trying to calm her down for me. "What's happened? Where are you? This has to do with why you've been disappearing so much lately, hasn't it?"

As he'd done so often in the past, he answered each question in the order I'd asked. "I'll explain everything when you get there. I'm texting you the address from Bobby's phone as we speak. And yes."

"Okay," I took a deep breath. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"You should probably leave Ari with Ella."

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Please review. All comments welcome


	2. Chapter 2

_**Authors Note:**__ Thanks so much for all the reviews. I'm not gonna lie, I'm really surprised there were so many. Now, just incase anybody forgot to look, one of the genres I nominated for this story is sci fi. This is because things get a little weird. I'm not sure whether it is actually sci fi that I'm representing with my plot, but... oh well... That being said, the weirdness starts now... ish._

_**Disclaimer****: **All characters belong to Janet Evanovich, I am merely borrowing them and their world to do the bidding of my mind. I am making no profit from these chapters._

_**WARNING**: The themes in this chapter (child birth in particular) may offend some readers. If this is you, consider yourself warned._

_**Don't Mess With the Village Elders**_

**_Chapter Two_**

_Twenty Minutes Later_

I pulled up to a gated driveway and double checked the address in the message and on the Navigator system before pressing the call button on the pillar beside the car. Tank answered on the other end.

"Bombshell, thank god you're here," he said, and the gates opened. "Just drive right up to the front door. I'll meet you there."

I looked up at what I could only describe as a mansion, but was probably just a really big and awesome house to be more accurate. I followed the circular driveway up to the front door and got out. Tank was immediately at my side, hurriedly ushering me into the house and up too many stairs. I don't think I would have made it up the last set if he hadn't pushed me so forcefully and implored that they were in dire need of my help up there. We stopped on the landing at the top – the very top – and he allowed me to catch my breath.

"Just wait here a moment," he told me. "I'll get Lester and he can fill you in on the situation." I watched him jog down the hall and disappear around the corner at the other end. A moment later I heard a distinctively male cry of pain and then Lester was jogging back toward me. He was covered in sweat head to toe despite the cool weather of the day outside, and there was a bruise developing on his cheek. He looked more stressed than he'd sounded on the phone.

"Who was that screaming?" I asked immediately. "What's going on?"

"We'll get to that. I need to know that you're not going to freak out on me. This is pretty intense stuff."

I felt the blood drain from my face as his words sank in. "Oh God," I moaned. "You're torturing a man in there aren't you? How could you possible need my help for that?" I couldn't breathe, the world was going fuzzy, any minute now I was probably going to pass -.

Les shook me by the shoulder, snapping me out of my panic. "We're not torturing anyone. The man you heard screaming just before was Ranger." I sensed myself paling even further and shook my head, refusing to take in the information. "Yes," he assured me. "It's Ranger. He's in a lot of pain. Bobby's tried to help but he's just not experienced in this kind of thing. You're the only one we could think of with any kind of experience in the area that wouldn't freak completely out."

"Right," I said, taking a deep breath. "Not freaking out. I can do this. How hard can it be? I've got experience in th…." I paused, my brain just now registering what he'd said. "What would I have experience in that Bobby doesn't?" I asked, starting to work up a bit more of a freak out. Bobby was the best medic I'd ever known. Okay, so he was the only medic I'd ever known, but that was besides the point. I would much rather go to Bobby than an actual doctor.

To my surprise, Lester averted his eyes to the toe of his boot and muttered something. I chose to ignore it for now, my knees giving out. "You'd better tell me the whole story," I said, as he caught me and dragged me to his chest.

He carried me over to the window seat and set me down gently, before sitting next to me. "While we were on our mission," he began, "We had to take out a woman who had been dealing with the wrong crowd so long she'd become a part of their workings. As we were escaping via the outskirts of the village we were stopped by some village elders. They were all female and seemed to be rather angry. Turns out that the head of the tribe was the mother of the girl we'd taken out."

"She wanted revenge?" I guessed, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. He placed a comforting hand on my forearm and squeezed gently. "What happened then?"

He sighed. "She cursed him."

I thought about this for a moment, trying to come up with some kind of curse that could bring down the big man. My mind was completely blank. Ranger was the most indestructible person I knew. There was nothing my mind could fathom that would have caused him to disappear for months on end if it wasn't for a mission. Finally, I lifted my head and met Les's gaze, silently giving him the okay to continue.

"She cursed him," he repeated, picking up where he'd left off a moment ago. "We're not sure exactly what she said, but a few weeks later, we were liberating a small village about a days trek from there and Ranger began to get sick. He'd be vomiting his guts up all morning, but by lunch he was a million times better. At first we just figured he'd caught some foreign disease. By the time we were preparing to leave, however, we'd notice that his stomach had grown. It was more rounded and well… we were worried. So when we got back to civilisation, we sent Tank off to have his arm reset properly and took Ranger to a private area of the base hospital to do some tests."

"What did you find out?" I asked, unable to keep the question inside any longer. I was dying to know what happened. What it was that had Ranger screaming in pain. What it was that I apparently had experience with."

"He's pregnant," he said. At least that's what I thought I heard. I laughed at him, trying to maintain that it was a sick joke, his face, however, remained dead serious. My laughter teetered to a stop and I stared open mouthed for a moment.

"You're serious?" I couldn't believe it. "He's not just pregnant with thought? It wasn't a pregnant pause? He's with child?" My only response was a nod. "So you brought me here today because…" I couldn't even get the words out. That's how ridiculous it sounded

"He's in labour."

I burst out laughing again. Not because I found the situation funny, because I totally didn't. This situation was the opposite of funny. It was horrific. I kept expecting Tank and Bobby to jump out at any moment and cry "April Fools!" but of course, April was last month. My sides were hurting by the time I'd managed to calm down and there were tear tracks running down my face.

"You can do this," Lester asked anxiously. He knew my tipping point. He knew my weaknesses. He knew my strengths. He knew my past, and was part of my future. If he thought I could do this, who was I to deny him? He pulled me close, hugging me tight and pressing soft kisses into my hair.

Just thenTank dashed around the corner. His eyes were wild and he seemed in a right old panic. "Can she do it?" he called to Lester. "I think we're running out of time, and he really looks to be in a lot of pain. That can't be normal. Bobby don't know what else to do!"

"Calm down Tank," Lester said. "We'll be there in a minute." Tank nodded and went back the way he came, letting an agonised yell escape as he opened the door.

I looked down at what I was wearing and grimace. A faun coloured pencil skirt. "I'm gonna need some pants," I told my husband as he pulled me to him for a kiss.

"I've got a spare pair of sweats in the bag in the room. I'll go get them for you," he replied, quickly brushing his lips over mine. "Stay put, I'll be right back."

Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't follow directions well. As soon as Lester was half way down the hall, I was on my feet, following him. When he reached the room all the commotion was coming from, I was right beside him. With on hand on the door knob he turned to face me with a sigh. "I told you to stay put."

"I'm coming in," I informed him, with false confidence he saw through like it was a clear glass window. He tried to tell me no, but I put my stubborn face on. Eventually he simply nodded, took my hand and we entered the room.

The lighting was dim, but there was enough of it that I could clearly make out the scene before me. Tank was pacing at the end of the bed a worried look on his face. Bobby was pacing at the side of the bed, muttering to himself and counting things off on his fingers. And there, in the middle of the gigantic four poster bed was Ranger, curled in a ball, his massive belly quivering as he moaned, groaned and gave out the occasional whimper.

"Grab me the pants," I whispered to Lester, squeezing his hand lightly.

When they heard my voice, both Tank and Bobby stopped what they were doing and turned to face me, twin expressions of relief pushing their worry into the background.

"Thank God!" Bobby exclaimed as Lester handed me my pants. I thought about leaving the room to put them on, or even getting them to turn around, but figured that they'd seen me in worse states and nobody was thinking in that way anyway. I dropped my skirt and pulled on the pants, drawing in the string at the waistband so that they wouldn't fall down. Lester and I were same in leg length but his hips were slightly wider. I often found myself borrowing his sweats, especially during that time of the month, or when I was sick. As soon as I was dressed again, I moved to the side of the bed.

Kneeling on the edge so I could reach, I laid a hand on Ranger's shoulder. He flinched at first, but as I began to rub up and down his back he started to relax. I murmured soothingly to him and he relaxed even further. When he was breathing normally again I turned to Bobby. "Have you checked his dilation?" I asked.

He gulped. "That's what the screaming was about." I nodded, encouraging him to continue. "He's almost ready."

With another nod, I turned my attention back to Ranger. He was still curled in a ball, knees pulled up and arms wrapped around his belly. I leaned down and spoke softly and calmly by his ear. "You need to calm right down and stay relaxed, okay? Can you do that for me?"

"Steph?" he choked out, turning his head. It still sounded weird that he didn't call me Babe anymore, but I was okay with it. There had been a time when we avoided each other like the plague. That was during the first few months that I was with Lester. But eventually he calmed down and Lester said it would be okay for us to invite him to the engagement party and we'd had a pleasant friendship since then. "Steph, it hurts," he moaned.

"I know, honey. I know. We need you to roll over. You can't deliver your baby like this."

He shook his head vehemently. "I can't. I can't move."

"Why can't you move?" I asked soothingly.

"It HURTS!" he yelled at me, his shoulders tensing as another contraction rolled through him.

I continued rubbing his back and addressed the other guys in the room. "Help me get him onto his back," I told them.

"But he said-," Lester began to protest. I gave him a look that said if he finished his sentence he would never get sex from me again. He snapped his mouth shut and moved to join Tank on Ranger's other side as Bobby joined me. With a great effort we managed to get him onto his back, as soon as he was settle, however, he started complaining of major pain and discomfort. I sat back and examined him better now that I could see… well, ya know… everything. I ran into a problem.

"How is it coming out?" I suddenly asked, turning to face Bobby and gesturing to Rangers rather large erection. I felt certain, due to my own experience, that there was no way a baby was gonna make it through there. As I looked at his penis again I blurted, "How the hell is he turned on right now?"

Tank and Lester snickered on the other side of the bed, despite my dilemmas and I shot them a glare before returning my attention to Bobby for an answer. The man in question gulped. "My theory is that the baby's head is putting pressure on his prostate," he said with a confidence that would have shattered had a light breeze picked up.

I nodded as I let the information sink in. It took me a moment to understand fully what he was saying. The baby's head was putting pressure on his prostate. That I understood, it took a while for me to remember where a man's prostate was though, and when I did, a shocked gasp escaped me. "It…. The baby…. Is…. It's coming out of his…" I stumbled about the sentence.

"Out of his ass," Tank supplied when I stopped talking again. "Yes." He sniggered again as I returned a wide eyed gaze to the patient in the middle of the bed. He seemed to have relaxed a little with the end of the contraction, but was still complaining about discomfort.

"Okay," I said, surprising myself with how calm and in control I sounded. "Why don't we try you on your hands and knees for a while," I suggested to Ranger after getting his attention. _My_ theory was that since the baby was coming out of… where it was coming out lying on his back was putting weird pressure on the baby and his innards. Together, we once again helped him to move until he was on his knees, seated on his ankles and bracing himself against the headboard of the bed. I'd suggested hands and knees, but Ranger seemed more comfortable how he was, so I let of go. I resumed rubbing his back and murmuring soothing words as he worked through a few more contractions until his breath caught and I knew it was time for him to start pushing.

When the next contraction, he lifted himself up in preparation of pushing and yelled at the ceiling. When it was over he sat back down, panting. He did this a few more times and on the seventh time I had to get Tank and Lester to grab him before he sat back down.

"What are you doing!" he yelled at me, lashing out in anger and frustration that stemmed from his pain and exhaustion. "Let me down."

"The baby's head is half out," I informed him gently. "Why don't you get down on your hands and knees." He did as I suggest and half an hour later he'd given birth to a beautiful baby girl.

Ranger was propped up on a multitude of pillows and cushions that Tank had accumulated from the other bedrooms on this level, holding his daughter while Bobby checked her over. IT was then that I decided to excuse myself from the room. I'd just made it out and halfway down the hall when Lester's arms wrapped around my waist, his lips brushed across my ear as he whispered, "You did good in there." That's when I broke. All the stress of not knowing what was going on for so long and then the weight of finally knowing and finding out that I was the only one who could help crashed down over me like a massive wave, dragging me under. Drowning me.

A sob broke out of my chest and immediately my face was smushed into my husband's chest as he held me tight, rocking side to side. "Hey," he whispered. "What's all this?" He smoothed my curls out of my face and smiled down at me. "What are you crying?"

I stared at him through my tears for a moment before I managed to get my thoughts out. "That's the most bizarre thing that has ever happened in my life. That's the most bizarre thing to ever happen in the history of bizarre things to happen. Surely that had to be weird for you? Watching a man give birth?"

To my utter horror, he chuckled as he wiped away a few of my tears. "I've had months to come to terms with it," he explained gently. "It was completely freaking me out for a while there, but after that I just told myself I had to accept it. Either way, he's my cousin and my boss and I had to be there for him no matter what. I made that promise to him when we were in high school, and I wasn't gonna back down just because he somehow managed to get pregnant." Another tear rolled down my cheek as he presented the evidence of his loyalty. One of the main reasons I'd married him was because he was consistently loyal. He was like a golden retriever. "I'm not surprised you're half melting down over this," he added, sending me the silly smile he generally only gave Ari. "I mean, you only had a couple of minutes to wrap your head around the situation and then you were in there in the thick of it." He nuzzled my neck. "I'm proud of you." Then he brought my face up to meet his and claimed my lips in a passionate kiss that made me sizzle, all the way down to my toes.

"Woah!" Bobby said from behind us. "Get a room, you two!"

"I think I know someone else who's gonna be pregnant soon!" Tank chuckled.

"That's the plan," Lester called over his shoulder, squeezing my boob. "What do you think?" he whispered to me.

"I think you're insane if you think I want to have you put that appendage of yours anywhere near me after I just witnessed that," I whispered back with a bite at his lip. I swiftly disengaged from his grasp and stood up straight, adjusting my clothes. "How are they?" I asked Bobby.

His grin was still lingering, but he nodded. "They're doing fine. Both sleeping. Tank will be staying in one of the rooms downstairs this week in case he needs help with anything. I'll take next week and we'll continue to alternate until he tells us to piss off. I figure I won't even have a look in before that happens."

Tank grumbled something under his breath that sounded like it contained the words "short straw". Then louder for the rest of us he said, "I suggest you all go home, get some rest and what not." He wriggled his eyebrows at Lester suggestively. In response, my husband nodded in that slow, guy agreement way that I'd seen pass between the Rangemen on too many occasions to count.

I slapped him in the chest, achieving little more than a sore hand and the guys all laughed at me as we made our way back down the stairs.

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Please review. All comments welcome


	3. Chapter 3

_**Authors Note:**__ It took me a little longer than planned, but I finally have another chapter for you. I'm still amazed that anyone would actually want to read my dribble. But hey, I'm not complaining._

_**Disclaimer****: **All characters belong to Janet Evanovich, I am merely borrowing them and their world to do the bidding of my mind. I am making no profit from these chapters.__._

_**Don't Mess With the Village Elders**_

**_Chapter Three_**

"What are your plans for the day?" Lester asked as we sat at the breakfast table three days later. It was Saturday and we were enjoying a bit of quiet time, since Ari was still in bed. "You're not on call are you?"

"I was thinking of taking Ari to the park so she could run around a bit," he replied, stealing a bite of my cereal. "You wanna tag along? We could take a picnic, make a real day of it."

I narrowed my eyes at him, sliding my bowl further away from him and pushing his toast closer. "First of all, hands off my Froot Loops. Second, you mean you want _me_ to make a picnic and trail behind you and our daughter while she absolutely ignores my presence? No thank you. Feel free to make your own sandwiches though."

"Daddy!" came a shrill cry from the other end of the house. Lester sighed and I grinned at him, my point practically made for me. "Daddy!" It came again closer this time. "Daddy!" This time she was in the kitchen doorway, staring straight at me, her little hands were fisted on her hips. "Daddy," she demanded.

I gave her one of my you've-got-to-be-kidding-me looks and said, "He's right over there, open your eyes and look."

She made a hurumph sound and practically flounced over to her father who willingly picked her up when she raised her arms. Ari trained her big green eyes on him and said, rather indignantly, "Daddy." I'm not sure what it was supposed to mean, but Daddy smilled and kissed her cheek.

"Does Ari want to go to the park with Daddy today?" he asked her, setting her on his lap and sharing his toast with her. She made affirmative sounds around a mouthful and stole another piece for her other hand. That was always the way, if she was eating, there had to be one in each hand. Once she'd filled both her hands she squirmed off his lap and stood on the floor staring at Lester expectantly, her hair, just like mine, was sleep tousled and sticking up in odd places and she had drool stains on her pyjamas. "What?" Les asked around his latest bite of toast.

"Park, Daddy," she said exasperatedly. "Park Daddy. Park Daddy. PARK DADDY!" She was jumping up and down, almost dropping her own toast in the process. "Park. Daddy."

"We can't go yet," he told her. "You haven't brushed your hair. You're still in you jim-jams. And Mommy hasn't made us a picnic."

Ari's eyes widened at Lester's words and she turned to me with her exasperated look on her face. "Mommy," she said, little hands on her hips. "Nic-nic." Her hands were held out just like Lester does when he's getting frustrated with me.

"Where are you manners?" I asked sternly.

She sigh. Yes, actually sighed. If I'd had any doubts that she was mine before that, the sigh would have confirmed it. "Nic-nic pwease mommy?" she asked.

Lester stuck his head into my line of vision, a huge grin on his. "Nic-nic pwease mommy?" he repeated.

I turned my best glare on him. "You did that deliberately," I informed him. "There _will_ be consequences. Mark my words."

So I made them a picnic for two. I even found it in my heart to throw in a couple of pudding cups, knowing they would love it. Meanwhile, Lester took Ari upstairs to get her ready. I wasn't concerned. She generally behaved better for Daddy than Mommy anyway. For instance, I was absolutely not allowed to brush her hair if Daddy was home. It was evident the moment they re-entered the kitchen that Ari had insisted on choosing her own clothes, as was her prerogative these days. When I got her ready I would give her options that she could choose. Obviously, Lester had given her a free for all. She wore black shorts with green spots on with her favourite pink and purple striped top.

I sighed, knowing there was no way I could get her into something that matched, since Lester had already allowed her to wear it. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for free expression. But I'd prefer if she could express herself in a more co-ordinated way that didn't reflect badly on her parents.

"Right," Lester said, straightening a bow in Ari's hair and picking up the basket I'd prepared for them. "We're off. What are you going to do without us?"

"Catch up on some housework."

"Uh huh," Lester encouraged. "And then what? The house isn't that bad. It should only take an hour or so. What are you going to do after that?"

"I thought I might go visit Ranger," I informed him. "See how he's handling things and everything. It's gotta be hard for him."

Lester gave me a knowing grin and tucked a wayward curl behind my ear before kissing me. "I know you," he whispered against my lips. "You really wanna go get high on new baby smell. You want another one soooo baaad. You just don't want to admit it."

He was right. I had kept to my word though. His appendage had come nowhere near me. "Yes. I want another one. But do you?"

"Honey-Jumble," he said, "Of course I want another one. I want another ten!"

My jaw fell open of it's own accord. By the time I'd regained enough brain power to segue into my floundering fish impersonation though, he and Ari were already out in the car, backing down the driveway.

_Mental note for later: rip Lester a new one if he thinks I'm gonna go through another nine pregnancies._

_Three Hours Later_

I stood on the porch of Ranger's house (mansion, whatever. Potato. Potahto) I buzzed the doorbell. Waited a minute or so. Buzzed again. Waited. Knocked. Waited. Buzzed again while knocking. Itried the handle. It was unlocked. Something was wrong with this situation. First the gate had been open. Then the lack of answering the door. Now the unlocked door.

Slowly and cautiously I inched into the hall, slipping my gun from my handbag. I had learned quickly not to leave it behind – ever – once I got with Lester. The consequences were much worse than the stern talking to I used to get from Ranger. If I left my gun behind with Lester I'd get a spanking. Literally. He'd take me across his knee and spank me. Not in a sensual way either. It was the kind of spanking I used to get from my mother when I broke something in the house while playing pirates. I'd have his red hand prints on my derriere for days

I stalked down the hallway, gun in hand, keeping my back to the wall. Another tactic Lester enforced quite strictly. I paused when I reached the stairs. Listening. I heard the tell-tale screams of a new baby coming from one of the upper floors and followed the sound to the nursery. Tank was there, pacing back and forth with the baby - whose name I realised I did not know – held awkwardly against his chest. I entered the room almost silently, tucking the gun away and Tank's eyes were immediately on me.

"I don't know what to do!" he cried. "She hasn't dirtied her diaper. She's not hungry. I don't know what to do."

I dropped my bag onto the dresser by the door and gestured for Tank to hand me the baby. I rocked the screaming child, rubbing her back and whispering soothingly as I had so many times with Ari. Finally, the little girl let out a massive burp and the screaming stopped. I held her back from my shoulder and she looked at me, wide eyed, like the burp had startled.

"Is that better, baby?" I cooed. "All the nasty wind monsters run away?" I nuzzled her belly and she made a contented sound. "Babies get wind and they need help to get the wind up," I informed Tank. He nodded his understanding. "Where's Ranger?"

Tank shrugged. "Haven't seen him."

I filed that away to address in a moment. "How's he handling things?" I asked at the same time Tank spoke.

"How'd you get in?"

"The door," I said, like it was obvious.

"What about the gate?" he asked. "Someone would have had to buzz you in."

I shook my head, bouncing the baby from side to side on my shoulder. "It was open and the door was unlocked." He paled, which is a great feat for a black man. "Something wrong." I'd probably just taken the words right out of his mouth. "Where's Ranger's bedroom?"

Now it was Tank's turn to shake his head. "He's not there, I already checked when Penny started screaming."

"He named her Penny?"

"No. That's what I've been calling her. He hasn't called her anything but 'the baby'. Penny suits her, don't you think? It's pretty. Just like her."

"Yes," I said. "But we have more important things to do than admire her name. Where's her Daddy? When was the last time you saw him?"

"It must have been about three o'clock this morning."

"Something's really wrong, isn't it?" I asked, trying not to let the fear I felt show. His affirmative nod did nothing to ease the knot in my gut. Ranger may not be the love of my life, but I loved him and I wouldn't want anything to happen to him. I laid a now sleeping Penny in her cot and turned back to Tank. "We need to find him."

"You take the upper floors, I'll take the lower and the yard," he strategized, slipping into Rangeman mode instantly. "We'll meet on the landing between levels one and two in," he paused, I guessed he was mentally counting the number of rooms and calculating an average checking time. "fifteen minutes? If you find him before that, I've got my cell on."

Fifteen minutes seemed to go like a shot and I was only just making it to the second of my floors. I was just coming out of the first room when Tank stepped off the stairs looking for me. "Fifteen minutes was five minutes ago," he informed me.

I glanced at my watch, shocked. "Really?" I asked. "It didn't seem like that long. Sorry."

"It's fine. I just got back myself. The grounds are bigger than I remember. Was starting to worry when I didn't see you waiting for me, that's all."

"I guess I got distracted by sticky beaking," I admitted. "I've never really been here before."

"You didn't find anything?" he asked, all business.

"Not a thing," I said just as Penny cried over the baby monitor I had strapped to my belt, not that I wouldn't be able to hear her loud and clear anyway. I sighed. Babies always interrupt things. "I'll go see to Penny, you finish this floor and meet me up there. We'll work out where to go from there."

"Spoken like a true Rangeman," he said approvingly and we parted ways once more.

By the time Tank made it back upstairs I had already changed Penny's diaper and settled her back down. I was rifling through few clothes in the dresser and marvelling over the tiny little things when Tank entered. One look at his face and posture and I knew he'd found nothing. I may not have the ESP all the Rangemen seemed to, but over the years I'd learned to read basic tells to gauge mood, and thoughts. "No luck?" I asked, redundantly. "We should expand the search."

"I'll call Lester and Bobby," Tank agreed. I grimaced at the idea of pulling Lester away from Ari. "What?" Tank asked, catching my look. "What was that?"

"Lester's at the park with Ari," I said. "They haven't really had any quality time in weeks. What with Ranger off work he's been spending more time there and…" I sighed seeing the look on Tank's face. "Can I call him and see what they're doing? Maybe Ari's getting tired anyway. She usually goes down for a nap soon anyway."

He looked like he wanted protest but in the end he simply nodded. He knew how much Lester loved his daughter and how little time they'd had together of late. He also loved Ari from the bottom of his heart. All the guys did. Except Cal. For some reason he called her "Devil Child" and refused to go anywhere near her. That was a puzzle for another day though.

So I called Lester's cell. It rang out. I tried it again and he answered on the third ring. "What took you so long?" I asked by way of greeting.

"I was juggling," he informed me. "Ari fell asleep halfway through her pudding and I was carrying both her and the basket to the car. It was a hard enough task to do that and not wake her without adding answering the phone into the mix."

I laughed at the image that brought to mind. "It's okay, honey. I know the feeling. It's a pain in the butt."

"Major," he agreed. "What's up?"

"Ranger is missing," I told him. No point in beating about the bush at a time like this. "We've checked the house and grounds but can't find him anywhere."

"Expanding the search?" he asked. The shift in him from loving father to security expert was obvious to me even though I couldn't see him.

"I wanted to be sure it wouldn't ruin your daddari day before I told you. You've missed her lately."

"I have," he confirmed, "But she's in nap mode now, so it's okay. What's happening with the baby?" I heard the car start in the background. "Is she missing too?"

"No. Penny's still here. Bring Ari here and you can trade the Porsche for the SUV. I'll look after the girls while you help look."

There was a pause before he asked, "He named her Penny?"

"That's what I asked, but no. Penny is what Tank has been calling her. Ranger hasn't named her yet."

"I'll be there in a few minutes," he informed me and hung up without so much as a goodbye. Not that I wasn't used to that. I decided that I would be the one to teach Ari phone manners when the time came.

"Well?" Tank asked, also hanging up his own phone.

"He's on his way."

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